My name is Colonel Jack Jameson and I have issues. Goblins. Yes, goblins! Now from what I can gather they are at war within my brain. There are two factions: the Novas and the Zants. I am sided with the Zants; we are trying to win back control of the side of my brain that regulates my emotions.
As it stands the little swines are currently in control of my frontal and temporal lobes. They are camped towards the right hemisphere.
Now this is Private Tom's reasoning, so don't take my word for it. According to him, this massively impacts my emotions and artistic abilities. Worse, he figures, this affects my sexual desire and is the cause of my memory loss and lack of social skills.
At first I was sceptical of Tom's claims, but thinking back, I couldn't actually remember the last time I cried...I have a plan!
I watch Watership Down. A classic, I'm sure you agree. I think I enjoy the film, and man have them little guys got some spirit, but I'm still not crying.
Next, I beg my neighbour to re-enact the scene from Ghost - you know, the one with the modelling clay. After much persuasion, Julie agrees to my awkward pleas. But again, I come up short. I hope for a full-blown mother of all erections and ,bless Julie, she didn't half try, but sadly, not even a twitch. I don't even feel guilty that she has to finish herself off on my bed before leaving a little, well, let's say, agitated.
In a last ditch attempt to salvage my creativity, I even bring out the old paint by numbers set Linda brought me to keep me occupied. After much sweat and little amusement, I put my brush down, again defeated. Not even the bitter disappointment of still being able to see the number sixteen clearly visible through the fifth coat of duck egg helps my mood.
As I stare at my reflection, I begin to feel a little warm and dizzy. "Only temporary," I tell myself , "just them damn goblins raging in my hypothalamus."
The little fuckers advance, and have been attempting to take the cerebellum all week
Yesterday the swines let off a bomb the size of a walnut, shrapnel piercing the area responsible for sexual arousal and partially deafening me in the process.
According to the report, I "stood in the supermarket sporting a giant erection whilst licking the front of a fire alarm, slowly stroking" myself. That's when I must have blacked out. I think one of our boys knicked the brain stem. Either that, or making eye contact with a mother's giggling twat of a son and politely saying "Hello," caused her concerned fist to come hurtling my way.
Please note, this sort of thing is becoming a regular occurrence. The longer this war goes on, the more damage my brain takes. Despite my comrades' best intentions, friendly fire still fucking hurts.
If I'm honest, it's all starting to wear me down a bit. The bags under my eyes appear bigger each morning and the migraines are getting worse.
Tom says the war would be over much sooner if I just took charge and got my own hands dirty for a change. Despite his lack of respect for his Colonel, I have to agree and concede.
I reach out and, behind my packet of clozapine, I find the syringe of morphine. With one last salute to my goblin comrades, I plunge the cool liquid into my veins. I wait while I hope it takes effect and contemplate my life without this curse. A life of so-called normality, maybe even a chance to settle down and plan my future.
Next I reach for the saw, the light shining off the blade like a ray of blissful sunshine. I begin work on the cranium, feeling the serrated blade grinding against bone. The noise is deafening but bearable. Whilst working my way around, I joyously break into "Amazing Grace" to counterbalance the grating sound of the blade.
Blood is gushing down my face and blurring my vision. The taste of metallic victory spurs me on. Upon feeling the saw connect with its starting point I let it drop loudly into the defiled sink.
I rub the blood from my eyes and stare in dizzy excitement. I grab my hair and pull upwards; with a wet slurping noise my skull breaks free, revealing the field of operations.
With my fingers I begin to probe around the frontal lobes in search of Nova's HQ, but find nothing. I begin to pull squishy chunks of brain out to get a better angle, and I'm still left empty handed.
I frantically begin to search other areas, probing and tearing with anger. Surely the little bastards can't hide forever. I reach the cerebellum, their last known location. My vision is beginning to darken and the pain has subsided to a continuous burning sensation. With all my remaining effort I probe my fingers in as deep as possible. That's when I feel my fingers hit something sharp! With the glee of a small, if not very weak child, I remove my treasure. The last thing I see before collapsing is the shell of an empty walnut.
I lie on the floor ready for my passing when I faintly hear the sound of scratching. Briefly, I'm aware of a small foot in my ear. I open my eyes one last time to see George the mischievous Gnome doubled up laughing.
In the distance I hear the door slam, and George runs off as my eyes close. From what seems like another world I hear the screams of Linda, my support worker.
Guess I'm not so fucking mad after all!
